2013
This year began like any other year. New Years, included a small gathering of friends. New and Old. A few slightly illegal fireworks, and plenty of food and beverages to go around. This is the first year however, that I have actually succeeded in my New Years Resolution:
My goal, as seen above, was to simplify my life. To worry less often. To be happy more often. With this simple goal came many changes. I am so grateful for 2013.
However, being that there is a balance to everything. Some things about 2013 were not quite as simple or happy. I unfortunately lost a few friends, lost a family member, and lived through a terrifying time while my mother struggled with Cancer.
The best way to describe what I am feeling right now would be to first explain that in the last 7 months I have come to the realization that having feelings. Feeling scared, feeling sad, feeling angry, feeling happy, overwhelmed, excited, joyful, loving. This is normal.
Emotions Are Normal
Our society, the hectic lives that we live, it all leads to the assumption that we don't have time to be sad, that we don't have time to allow ourselves to feel scared, or to feel something truly beautiful touch us. Our society makes it so that the majority of the population can not take the time needed to even see a sunset, much less take 10 seconds to actually soak one in and reflect on how it makes us feel. Who has time for that mushy gushy stuff anyway, there is work to be done, bills to be paid, and money to be made for the big companies. Who, as you probably already know, don't take the time to know the people that work for them. In realizing this... it seems that our society. Human Nature. That we are broken.
And then, if you begin to feel like this... you only need to look for the "helpers":
If I may add on to what Mr. Rogers has to say...
If you don't see any helpers,
that is the time to
stand up
and become one yourself
My cousin Daniel was the type of person who would stand up. Who would be a helper. His passing, was the first of many events I can recall from this year (so far) that has made me want (need) to be a better person. It broke my heart when I heard the news. Read on a social media site while eating lunch at work... I immediately broke down. I thought of how, even though he was a humongous person. He never once seemed intimidating. Never once overwhelming. When he stood up, you knew it. His presence was instantly welcoming. You could feel as low as the dirt on your shoe, but he would smile at you, give you a giant bear hug and be truly present in speaking to you. He would make you understand that in that moment, you were the most important thing in his world.
His funeral was hard for me. I stood in the back, as all of the seats were taken, and I allowed myself to cry the entire time. For the first time in my life I didn't care who saw me. I didn't care if my face was red and blotchy, I didn't care if I looked gross because of the massive amount of snot I kept having to wipe away, I didn't care if someone was going to talk about "how I couldn't contain myself"
I was sad
I was heart broken
I was confused...
angry...
depressed...
and that was OK.
Knowing him was a blessing, and just knowing him would have honestly been enough. .. However, it wasn't enough for me. I stood there, kleenex in hand, tears silently running down my cheeks and I listened. I listened as person after person, from every walk of life, spoke of knowing my cousin, spoke of how just knowing him improved their life. He changed lives for the better. People from his work, his group of friends, from his karate class, his church, his school, even people who had struggled with addictions... He loved them all, and they all loved him. While listening, I promised myself that I would be more like him. Because, if more people stood up to help (even when there are no other helpers) in the day to day tragedies that take place... the world would be far less broken.
