Far Less Broken

2013

This year began like any other year. New Years, included a small gathering of friends. New and Old. A few slightly illegal fireworks, and plenty of food and beverages to go around. This is the first year however, that I have actually succeeded in my New Years Resolution: 

My goal, as seen above, was to simplify my life. To worry less often. To be happy more often. With this simple goal came many changes. I am so grateful for 2013. 

However, being that there is a balance to everything. Some things about 2013 were not quite as simple or happy. I unfortunately lost a few friends, lost a family member, and lived through a terrifying time while my mother struggled with Cancer.

The best way to describe what I am feeling right now would be to first explain that in the last 7 months I have come to the realization that having feelings. Feeling scared, feeling sad, feeling angry, feeling happy, overwhelmed, excited, joyful, loving. This is normal.

Emotions Are Normal

Our society, the hectic lives that we live, it all leads to the assumption that we don't have time to be sad, that we don't have time to allow ourselves to feel scared, or to feel something truly beautiful touch us. Our society makes it so that the majority of the population can not take the time needed to even see a sunset, much less take 10 seconds to actually soak one in and reflect on how it makes us feel. Who has time for that mushy gushy stuff anyway, there is work to be done, bills to be paid, and money to be made for the big companies. Who, as you probably already know, don't take the time to know the people that work for them. In realizing this... it seems that our society. Human Nature. That we are broken.

And then, if you begin to feel like this... you only need to look for the "helpers":

If I may add on to what Mr. Rogers has to say... 

If you don't see any helpers,

that is the time to

stand up

and become one yourself

My cousin Daniel was the type of person who would stand up. Who would be a helper. His passing, was the first of many events I can recall from this year (so far) that has made me want (need) to be a better person. It broke my heart when I heard the news. Read on a social media site while eating lunch at work... I immediately broke down. I thought of how, even though he was a humongous person. He never once seemed intimidating. Never once overwhelming. When he stood up, you knew it. His presence was instantly welcoming. You could feel as low as the dirt on your shoe, but he would smile at you, give you a giant bear hug and be truly present in speaking to you. He would make you understand that in that moment, you were the most important thing in his world. 

His funeral was hard for me. I stood in the back, as all of the seats were taken, and I allowed myself to cry the entire time. For the first time in my life I didn't care who saw me. I didn't care if my face was red and blotchy, I didn't care if I looked gross because of the massive amount of snot I kept having to wipe away, I didn't care if someone was going to talk about "how I couldn't contain myself"

I was sad

I was heart broken

I was confused...

angry...

depressed...

and that was OK.

 Knowing him was a blessing, and just knowing him would have honestly been enough. .. However, it wasn't enough for me. I stood there, kleenex in hand, tears silently running down my cheeks and I listened. I listened as person after person, from every walk of life, spoke of knowing my cousin, spoke of how just knowing him improved their life. He changed lives for the better. People from his work, his group of friends, from his karate class, his church, his school, even people who had struggled with addictions... He loved them all, and they all loved him. While listening, I promised myself that I would be more like him. Because, if more people stood up to help (even when there are no other helpers) in the day to day tragedies that take place... the world would be far less broken.

Reflection.

I've been doing a lot of that lately. 

What do I want?

Who do I want to be?

When do I need to have this all figured out?

How am I supposed to survive everything I'm going through on my own?

Where do I want to go next?

With everything on my mind as it has been recently. 

I took on the role of a hardened rock. 

I began to believe that I didn't need help.

I began to believe that if I accepted help, I would cave.

 I began to think of receiving help as a sign of weakness.

I care so much for others that I often forget that I too can be cared for.

My shoulder's began to get heavy.

I began to accept my sunken chest and loss of hope.

A person can only last so long standing on there own.

You see

people NEED people

and I needed so deeply

and just like that I received 

Life has a funny way of throwing people into the mix when you most need them.

Someone who somehow made me believe once again.

Hope once again.

And accept that I am deserving.

Just last night I was awakened, so to speak,

 by an acquaintance who I am fortunate enough to have 

in my corner and on my side. 

With this awakening I realized that I am afraid.

Scared.

Afraid to lean on someone, because I am afraid to fall.

I lack trust in humanity

and sadly

I lack trust in love

But a funny thing happens when you realize 

and confront

a fear

It becomes irrational 

minuscule

And how did someone help me realize this?

A very long conversation.

And a very convincing statement.

A statement that brought tears to my eyes

and a new hope to everything I have been lacking.

This statement is one I will be eternally grateful for.

One that I will cherish.

And that person
I will forever appreciate.
  

 ________________________________

You are beautiful.
 I meant it. I've meant it every time I said it.

But lets go past that, physical beauty doesn't last.

You are beautiful Melissa. You. Not your looks. You are.
The person you are.

You make the world a better place.

I told you that before, I am saying it again.
It is true.

You love so much, you give so much of yourself.

Part of love, and a part it took me forever to learn,
is letting the people you love love you back.

It's a huge part of it.

You deserve to be loved Melissa.

You do.

Well.

With every breath of someone.

You won't let anyone right now it seems.

Maybe your logic is solid, maybe it's flawed.
That doesn't matter.

You still deserve to be loved.

And I know you are.

Let the people who do, do it.
 

Let someone put their arms around you when you hurt.

Let someone help you lift a heavy burden.

Let someone show you they love you too.

It's not a one way street. It was never meant to be.

You are beautiful Melissa.

___________________________________________

 

:)

 

 

Turning 24

On January 15th 2012 I turned 24. Which is strange, because I am just now feeling like I might be old enough to drink, much less three years past.

The thing about birthday's is that they don't make much sense to me. Perhaps that is part of getting older. Birthday's stop making sense. I feel no different than I did at 21. A little more wise and more stressed due to bills and student loans. But no different.

I remember being so excited when I was younger, being able to hold up another finger. A finger on my second hand. Being able to add the word teen, or to be excited to be able to learn how to drive... and I guess that now I get to be excited to find out what kind of an adult I am. One step at a time, probably counting my mistakes on my fingers.


***

Thank you Chandy and Jenna (and everyone who signed it) for the table and Araya. Thank you Chandler for the recipe box!

   

Dara and Jenna signing my table.

Introducing Araya Luz.

My very own recipe box!

Everything I've Been So Busy With, That I Forgot To Write In My Blog

Here is an entire picture documentary on everything I have done since my last post. 

I got a little distracted.. and deserted my blog... but here are the things left out =)

Emily's Birthday Dinner

We got all dressed up and went to Joe's Crab Shack. 

Where Emily was dressed up like a crab for her birthday, Chandy played finger puppets with the shrimp and even Jenna wore a dress (although not happily)

 All Of The Girls At Mr. Heads

Chocolate Beer... What else is there to say?

Changed The Oil On My Car... In The Dark...

 

 

 

Zombie Walk 2011

Complete with Karo Syrup Blood, Tissue paper skin and a lot of feral noises.

In my opinion our make up was pretty dang realistic... 

you can't even SEE my eyes, and look at Sammy back there! 

 

Hallows Eve

I was a pirate, we played Halloween games and I got to wear my boots =)

 Dia De Los Muertos

The Day Of The Dead Celebration

This activity was on my list of things to do in life. Going to the celebration was truly amazing.

It started out with a parade, streams of people dressed for the occasion, holding pictures of loved ones past.

After the parade was a beautiful show, with Mexican skirt dancers ( I can't remember the actual name), an acrobatic show in the sky and a flaming giant ball, which I'm assuming was a symbol for letting the souls pass.

At least that is how I understood it. 

All in all, it was an excellent event to mark off of my list, and a great closing to those lost.

 Christmas Tree Hunting

We went to find ourselves the perfect tree. It turned out being pretty lopsided, 

but once decorated it fit our household perfectly. It was an adventure finding one in the forest.

It was hunting season... and I was very glad I had worn an orange beanie.

Ugly Sweater Party

Complete with "SNOW"

Home Made Christmas Presents

I made these beautiful Elephant Slippers (with help from my mom)

for Chandy Leverance. I thought they turned out rather adorable. =) 

 

 New Years 2012!

I can't think of a better way to kick off the new year, then with the friends I care about the most.

New Years Resolution?

To keep my blog (starting now) up to date.

Happy New Year Everyone!

 

Pot Luck Joy

Hey There!

I am truly sorry I haven't been writing much lately.

I'm still trying to figure out how to balance work and fun. 

Working 8 hours a day is hard work.

Through the long days and trying to find time to do laundry and do simple things like sleep...

I'll admit I kinda forgot about my blog.

However,

I really want to show off the brownies I made for my first ever pot luck at work. 

They turned out gorgeous.

and totally yummy =)

I know that as a writer you are supposed to write what you know, 

so I figured in the kitchen, as a "baker" you should bake what you love...

And I love chocolate and peanut butter.

So, the obvious solution was to make peanut butter swirled brownies.

Let me show you what I made.

I apologize for not saving you any... 

.........

Chocolate and Peanut Butter Fluff

 A note about the fluff: 

It is a real battle to not take the bowl of peanut butter awesomeness,

go sit on the couch, and eat the entire bowl of fluff with a spoon. You've been warned.

All Swirled Together

It's Just So Pretty, I Had to Show You Again

And so I baked up some delicious brownies, cut them up into little squares and had only one left over to bring back home from work. =)

I always feel really proud when people enjoy eating the stuff I make.

Ooh, and I couldn't help but notice that this is a good place to plug a picture of my Kitchen

(being as my house is still pretty new)

Isn't it lovely? Seeing it all clean like this makes me all smiley inside.

Until Next Time!

Melissa 

"Beetle Bottom" has a whole new meaning.

This morning:

I awoke out of a semi pleasant dream with the odd sensation that something was in my shorts...

 

Now... I was half asleep, so I quickly felt around down there and felt nothing and so I started to drift back to sleep... and then it is was there again... an odd, slightly scratchy, feeling of something in my shorts.

So I jumped out of bed like a maniac. 

Did a frantic little dance while trying not to trip over my blankets and out of my sleep shorts and on to my knee fell a beetle. Which I swatted off of my leg so fiercely that I heard it thunk against the floor. 

Still being very tired and thinking I was certainly safe after it hit the ground as hard as it did I crawled back into my warm bed and quickly fell back asleep.

Two to Four ish hours passed and I thought I felt something on my leg. I remember thinking to myself:

"you're just being paranoid, that beetle is surely dead, it hit the ground pretty hard"

and rolling over to fall back asleep... 

then I felt it again...

"Guh, you have GOT to be KIDDING me!" 

I thought as I grabbed the beetle off of my leg and swatted it to the floor... 

Unfortunately I don't have the heart to kill anything, not even overly friendly beetles, so I made sure to get it out of my door and then crawl back into bed... which was pointless. It was time for me to get up anyway.

So tonight:

I crawled into bed, got comfortable... and then remembered exactly how I woke up this morning... 

This led to my mind playing games on me and my sudden urge to make sure there were NO bugs in my bed. So I ripped the blankets and sheets off and put them in the wash. I took off the foam mattress and inspected both sides. I took off the actual mattress and flipped it over, cleaning off both sides fully...

I got a little bit OCD...

And I found nothing. No little black beetles, no bugs at all... which isn't a surprise, I clean my blankets weekly.

So now here I sit on a naked bed waiting for the wash to get done so I can go to sleep...

Oi...

So, while sitting here I decided that a beetle in the shorts is a rather rare occurrence... and so I looked up it's significance and symbolism. 

And I liked what I found!

Some symbolic meanings of beetles:

• Progress
• Simplicity
• Persistence
• Stability
• Methodical
• Contemplative
• Practical
• Grounded
• Potential
• Security
• Introverted
• Protection
• Solidarity

Beetles are considered a symbol of being grounded. Of having deep and sacred wisdom. They are steady and do nothing without pragmatic, methodical movement. 

Hmm... this could be related to my decisions lately, they are certainly more grounded than decisions I have made in the past...

Beetles also symbolize protection. And upon looking up black beetles I found that they specifically promote stability and protection and heal misunderstandings.

Does this mean that in making more stable, grounded decisions I'll be Safe? Stable? Secure? I'm OK with that right now!

Pretty neat right?

Some other messages a beetle may impart:

• “Get to the root of your desire”
• “Be practical in your expectations of progress”
• “Find stability in simplicity”
• “Anchor yourself in honest, true, natural ways” - I like this one the best.

So... I hope I didn't injure the poor thing too badly... As for tonight, I hope for no visitors.

The New Job

I started my new job yesterday as a CSR at C3.

Like I have a thousand times before I got ready for my first day. Not knowing what to expect.

I put on my business casual clothes. Made myself a lunch and headed out the door.

Ten minutes later I was being welcomed into the parking lot by a security guard and waved to my parking spot by attendants... this was certainly new.

I've never had assigned parking or had a job that required security around the premises.

I checked myself quickly in my car mirror. My hair was actually really cute today. That doesn't happen as often as I'd like. Then I decided it was time to go inside.

I entered through the break room. Now first you have to know what I was expecting based on previous jobs. I was expecting to have to introduce myself to a receptionist, wait around until someone told me where to go, lots of boring stuff all around... etc etc... this was definitely not the case.

Upon walking through the door I was hit by the scene of people laughing, a table FILLED with donuts and fruit snacks, and balloons everywhere, and I was greeted by the site manager herself, who remembered my name from orientation. (I was impressed by her memory)

Needless to say it was a warm welcome to C3.

Then we had to sign in and all 250 new and first employees were ushered into 5 separate training rooms to begin learning. Not working. Learning. They recognized that you can't expect much out of your employees if you don't give them the knowledge to perform at their best first.

So I spent my 8 hours in a room with 50 other people learning about this new company, and each other. We played games, ate far too many snacks, and pretty much just started to grow as a new community.

We then got a visit from the CEO and the founders of C3... how often on your first day do you meet the really important people of a company? Shake their hands? Does this really happen anywhere else?

I haven't seen it.

We played diversity bingo, I learned that if I wanted to I could be moved anywhere in the world, Sweden, China, Utah... the list goes on and on... and I am totally OK with the idea of traveling, it's on my list after all.

I also realized I won't be chasing after children, I won't be out in the sun, I won't be taking orders and throwing together a sandwich.

I'll be helping people figure out how to afford their medicine. I'll be talking to people who may not have anyone else to talk to. I'll be one phone call away from making a difference. I think that is pretty cool.

And... since I'll be sitting at a desk... I can totally invest in some cute shoes... which only adds to my excitement.

I've never really had a job where I could buy myself shoes that may have a little heel on them... or anything fancy really... My collection of cute tennis comes from years of having to be extremely mobile while watching children.

The most exciting part would have to be, that for the first time in my employment history... I feel like I have a grown up job. Not something I'll work at through college, not something to do to make some summer money... a real, grown up, "You mean something to this company" job.

And THAT feels really good.